Sudden realisation that I'm too freaky for myself.

Feel like retreating back into the world without people.

Much safer with walls.

Much safer as that smooth block of ice; it burns to touch.

But what is safety and what does it feel like?

-

Irrelevant but, I like this song.

Kelly Clarkson - Beautiful Disaster

There are things unsaid, between us. But we don't know it because we're living in the illusion that they have been addressed in the good few conversations we've had. As though anything important has already been tended to, and nothing else matters much now. There's no burning desire to speak, because I feel safe with you and maybe you with me. Friends who can chill a whole day without talking. I feel the most comfortable alone. And I'll help you answer the question, maybe you do too. Which is why that silence was fine. I'm just afraid that soon I'd interpret that comfort as distance and start to draw myself away. I'm already starting to. I mean, wasn't it distance? Us choosing to be in our own comfort zone instead of putting in the effort to connect with the other.

That is why I keep repeating to myself in my head, 'what is the point of speaking to others', if trying to connect with others is so difficult. I want to connect and be whole with a person/people, but it is impossible and I leave defeated most of the time. Because it requires so much effort from both parties, at the same time.

When with a person, I feel the need to speak and connect, because that is the sole purpose of us meeting each other. There are times where both feel tired, feel empty to share anything yet company (physical presence) is needed. But it'll only be good if, when we're talking, we really connect; when we're silent, we're really physically present. Not just there. Or I might as well be alone.

I crave for complete connection with another being, such that there would be zero discomfort. And it is then where I won't have to say "I'm only most comfortable being alone".

I MISS MY FRIEND WHO IS OVERSEAS.

Can't have supper together, can't have dinners, no sleepovers. Time differences. I can't wait for school to start. But... new people.. ahh.

one of my greatest fears: to not "get" each other.

even just for a small portion of the time.

You can know everything about me. Everything.

Because if there's any part of me you can't accept, there will be someone who will take me for all that I am. To the future me reading this, never hide any part of yourself for the fear of losing something. Build trust and let both parties voice out all forms of insecurity. Don't react in a way that makes the other party afraid of showing their emotions. Remember every action is born out of choice, we have the choice to control our temper, to put others before ourselves.

Been reading about others' lives. Sometimes it's nice to not own anything cause it means there wouldn't be a fear of losing anything as well.

Rachael Yamagata - Full On

This is not a song I'd sing to someone. I think. But I hear them whispering it in their rooms, making sure I hear parts of it.

It has always been of my opinion that love is conditional. That we have to be good enough to make the ones we love happy, wise enough to make their lives meaningful in order to be loved in return. I think I am not good enough to contribute to their lives in great ways, and therefore unable to receive love in return. Likewise, the ones I love now hold a place in my heart because they contribute to my life. And I am not good enough for them. I try to tell myself that my concern for them is enough, but it is not. Not enough for me to be special enough to the two people I love the most.

But sometimes I find myself doing things for them unconditionally and I wonder, why do I worry so much about not being good enough to receive concern when maybe, they don't even need me to be good enough? But in the end I still worry.

I told my teacher I don't want to speak up and he got me to read a poem, with the following lines I remembered: "your playing small does not serve the world". And I remembered very clearly how it crossed my mind while I was waiting in line at the supermarket, knowing for sure what I must do and that I will try to make a difference and throw away the belief I can't/am not important enough to others.

-

But I stand here, slightly defeated. Defeated? Maybe not, I didn't help much but I have tried and you know I have tried. And I care.

This morning, I woke up to a one liner when I had typed a whole chunk before sleeping last night. Not like they were stuff that needed much response, but I would've appreciated more effort in understanding the tone behind my words and not just the words themselves. I sat on my computer chair, suddenly feeling as though I am now doing so much for someone out of habit. Because I am still doing things for the person despite knowing the reasons as to why I should not/do not want to. But I sat there for 5 more minutes and realized I pulled myself away only because I found a flaw in our friendship. We have to learn to understand and accept others' flaws, do we not?

Then my dad and I had an argument over some business tactics of a bakery, whether it was right or wrong. I flared up at him because he was asserting his opinion without even considering mine. But I was doing exactly the same while trying to refute him. It was purely an exchange of views without us accepting any part (not even a small part) of the other party's opinion. He never ever accepts others' kind gestures of offering suggestions unless they're 'good enough for him'. The real problem is that I am exactly like him.

I got annoyed and tried to escape from the situation (at least mentally). The mind drifted off and thought about the impossibility of living with someone else for the rest of my life. Rather, the impossibility of finding a person you know you wouldn't have many arguments with, without compromising comfort and honesty between each other. Why do we go through so much trouble to live with other people? Yet I know there isn't an answer to "why". We just need it. I just need it and want it. That is all.

On a side note, I am thinking of ways to properly teach my future child the right values without taking too much freedom away from her. Sometimes I am crazy and too serious.

Suddenly feel like saying this: I NEED SOME CRAZINESS IN MY LIFE.

part of me can't wait for school but the other part of me (that hasn't attended school since 2010 or had any form of proper social interaction) is quite worried. Somewhat.

I can't fill you, describe you with words. Maybe I know what it means when you're silent and not wanting to speak. There's no excuse of me not knowing when not to pry into (you). I found what you want to reveal and what you do not want to. But maybe.. that is all I know. I found myself retreating today because it's not playing out the way it's supposed to, for today. Only today. All I want to know is, more, deeper. Not for any twisted purpose but out of curiosity. Why, I don't know. So intriguing it makes me wonder. But at the same time, you're having that conscious layer wrapped around you it makes it so difficult. You say I'm the closest to the core, but am I still not very far away? Last night, I dreamt of softening it in a way that would never happen in real life. I am unable to use words to soften it, gently peel it apart like petals of a flower. Hope to see it bloom. This is why I speak to you. I need more time.

Russian Red - Loving Strangers

from the movie "room in rome" (which i haven't watched. i'm not sure if i'm going to watch it) Her voice is beyond amazing. I bought tickets to her concert at esplanade recital hall on 11th march, sunday, alone. They were so close to us. Her voice is too amazing live. She is so beautiful.

I feel strange today.

Suddenly feel goosebumps for typing the posts below.

The ones below below below. Reminds me of the past.

I've been reading tweets of people from the past.

I don't want to be reminded.

to be less and less and less and less self absorbed.

2nd March 2012

I am insanely happy. This is like a dream come true. I know academic grades don't define us, but confidence should be even less of an issue now, in some ways. There's now closure, and joy of performing beyond expectations. It's not perfect but I am ____ (fill in positive word).

I don't know if I should make myself get over it. It's possible to make yourself get over anything and "accept reality". It's easy to find reasons to let go of things or people, but we can't forget that right at the start, we chose to accept things/people despite the flaws. There must've been a reason why we held on then, but now we have to let go. Do I really have to? I don't want to. I shall not, until the answer is a concrete, dead end. I don't know if I believe in magic like some people do. People are next to each other because of choice.

I'm wondering why I'm using "we" instead of "I" in the above paragraph when this is obviously quite personal.